


Masquerading As A Man With A Reason.

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Ficlet, Gen, Guilt, Song Lyric Title, Time Period: Reign of Gregor Vorbarra, Time Period: Vorkosigan Regency
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-07
Updated: 2012-12-07
Packaged: 2017-11-20 13:22:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/585813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Duv doesn't know when it started.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Masquerading As A Man With A Reason.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Trobadora](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trobadora/gifts).



> For [](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/trobadora/profile)[](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/trobadora/)**trobadora**. The title is from Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas.

Duv doesn't know when it started. He thinks he probably never will, not for sure, but he's tempted. He's oh so tempted.

Sometimes he thinks, "oh, yes, of course", as if life were that simple, as if he could draw a line in his past and have it stick. Sometimes he can soothe himself to sleep that way, contemplating turning points and momentous decisions, and let himself forget. And if he forgets only for that moment, then he forgets only for that moment, and he'll take what he can get with both hands and hold onto it desperately against the dawn. Forget his parents, forget his brother, forget himself. Forget that he's a historian and life is never that simple.

And he hates himself, but he falls asleep, and perhaps a little lie couldn't hurt, just one, just this one. Just once. (Twice.) (Constantly.)

He wakes up feeling dirty, never rested, and he worries at his excuses all day. He wonders about culpability, about blame, and about creation. Duv Galeni is a creature created out of pain and mourning; the day he forgets that will be the day he dies. (But oh he needs sleep, he does need sleep, sleep and less blame, please, if anyone is listening, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.)

He wonders what was necessary and when it became so. He wonders if necessity is just a coward's balm for the soul, because Duv doesn't need anyone to call him anything he can't call himself. Coward, traitor, and he'll take every name and claim it as his own, because they cannot insult you with what you have already accepted.

He wonders if there's anything he could do to change it now, or if it's already too late. (It's never too late; that's why he can't sleep.)

And there is and there isn't, he tells himself. He wonders if it's cowardice to know and do nothing, or if it's worse to be unexamined. It aches to know, but he thinks it would kill him not to.

He reminds himself he's a historian. It's practically a necessity. (He doesn't know if he believes in necessities.)

If he could return, he knows exactly what he would do differently, and it shames him. He doesn't know when it started, but he knows how he could have ended it. It wouldn't have saved his father's life, it probably wouldn't have saved the rest of the family, but those aren't the faces he sees. If Duv could go back, he would turn himself in to ImpSec and no one would have to die because David wasn't a coward, because David was brave and good and strong. Because David killed and thought it was _necessary_.

David Galen always did what his father told him; the first step to killing David was admitting to himself that his father was wrong. That David was wrong for obeying him. That Mother and Nate were wrong, that they all were wrong, that everyone in the Resistance -- wrong.

(If he can tell himself this enough--)

He doesn't know when it started, but he wants to know where it ends. He wants it to end here, here on Barrayar, here in the dusty libraries of the University of Vorbarr Sultana. He wants it to die slowly and not be missed when it's gone. Duv knows all about explosions. He knows all about violent solutions. 

He knows they don't solve a damn thing.


End file.
